I Want This Kid to Be My New Best Friend

Kid at the mall:
"Hey, mom? Wanna know what my puppet just said?"

Mom:
"What?"

Kid:
"He said, 'Get your hand out of my face!'"

Mom:
...

Kid:
"And then I did. And he said NOTHING."


This kid is dark. I love her.

I want to keep scrolling Tumblr but my phone is dying.

I guess I’ll just go do something else.


And by “something else” I mean laying on the floor by the outlet while my phone charges so I can keep scrolling Tumblr.

I'm Serious About Ice Cream

My sister (in the passenger's seat of my car):
"What is this?" (Pulls out a spoon.)

Me:
"That's my emergency spoon."

My sister:
"If this is your emergency weapon, then I'm sorry but you are not gonna make it."

Me:
"No, it's an emergency spoon for ice cream."

My sister:
"...."

Me:
"For the times when I buy a container of ice cream and I can't wait to go home to eat it."

My sister:
"Emergencies."

Me:
"Yeah."

My sister:
"It's not even disposable. It's just a gross metal spoon that you keep using and sticking back in your console."

Me:
"Relax. It's not like I asked you if you wanted to use it."

My sister:
"You are disgusting."

Me:
"Or am I really prepared for emergencies?"

My sister:
"And delusional."